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amanda
24 April 2008 @ 06:13 pm
would you believe me if i said i didn't need you?

'cause i wouldn't believe you if you said the same to meCollapse )


from now on, you can find me at ambivlence
 
 
 
amanda
"i really didn't feel like being upset today but i went and did it anyway."
i'm not going to say it was worth it, but i just had an epiphany as i was left alone. (it doesn't matter if i can talk to someone else. i'm always alone without you...) if this has shown me anything, it's that i'm not ready to start over until i can stop being like this. i want to stop thinking in all the wrong ways and taking everything so seriously.

i want someone to know me
maybe tell me who i am


a year has gone by since we've known each other. so what? i've loved everything we've been through. i'm glad that we've survived. but if it's been a year and i haven't learned anything. nothing important enough to save us from ourselves. i just don't even know how i can go on from this without that.

i don't want you to worry about being selfish. and i'm not saying that for my own benefit. when you start worrying about everything, well, that's where we went wrong. baby, come back to me.

you probably won't even read this.
no one listens to a drama queen like me, right?
i don't blame you. i wouldn't, either.
 
 
stimmung: morosemorose
musik: xo - fall out boy
 
 
 
amanda
18 April 2008 @ 07:08 am
I WON THE PATD MEET AND GREET!
omfg i'm spazzing so hard rn, my abs hurt so bad from laughing, spazzed breathing.
OMGGGGGGGG
btw, never check something like this in the morning. now i'm gonna be excited about it alllllllllll day and i have no one to tell atm.
xD
 
 
 
amanda
15 April 2008 @ 07:03 pm
"what the fuck did she ever to deserve your love?"
You know what? I don't even know.
When the aftershock hit - when I was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she didn't feel the same way I did, I kept asking myself that and similar questions, and I couldn't come up with an answer. And now that it's all settled and I've realized most everything was in my head, I still can't think of one good reason other than -- she consumed most of my time. She was there, in a sense that I would talk and she would listen. I created a relationship using only my thoughts. I know that you and me are far from my ambivalence. There's too much substance for this not to be that something that I've been lacking in the faceless, nothingness that anyone else would think you and me should be. There's just so many words, good and bad. And so many thing you didn't even have to say. I feel like I know you. I feel like you've been so much more than what I deserve. Having said that, you're right. You're always right. I should be writing everything for you. I want you to be my world, more than anything. No one has ever done more for me.
 
 
 
amanda
08 April 2008 @ 10:54 pm
like the light was all i had,
i struck the book with my last match
the candle burned so soft and slow
i felt the warmth and felt its glow
salt tasting tears they roll off of my lips
one for each day i'm inside this house
it's a trap, one i can't quite escape
so pretend it's the place that i love
won't let it pass me by again

i burn candles and stare at a ghost that goes deep inside of youCollapse )

here's what i've been waiting to get off my chest: when i see some of this stuff that i know i probably shouldn't be seeing (but if i'm able to, why shouldn't i?) i feel my heartbeat pulsing through my body and i just want to shout "SHE'S MINE!" so the whole hemisphere can hear me. even though you've never been mine, and you probably never will be. you're right in thinking this is about you and she's right and worthy to hold your attention, put her arms around you, and putting that smile on your face over and over and over until the day that you die. we both know i'm too selfish to fill those shoes. i can't keep my composure long enough to get two words out of you. when she's got you she's got the world. i don't think i can live alone but i'll do it anyway. it's the only thing i don't have to fight for (when the score's already set before it would even begin.)

i was hoping you would be waiting there for me lately
but you're not the kind of girl who would be waiting
not for anybody, not even me
 
 
 
amanda
i don't see a point, either.
just say "you're doing it wrong" like i always am to myself, okay?
cause i never thought i was right
i just don't see anything being fair anymore
i don't understand, either.
yeah, it's wrong of me to want to be the only thing you see.
but why does that give you a reason to say i'm the only one that did something wrong?
...because i made the bigger mistake.
i've gotta stop saying i so much.

i don't think i can see without you, though.
vision hazed due to eyes glazed due to the thought of you.
no turning back. it's

tick
tick
boom.
 
 
 
amanda
31 March 2008 @ 08:55 pm
diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me
there's something bigger going on here
oh yeah, it's all in my head
playing games with my brain every time i press play
 
 
 
amanda

the embers never fade in your city by the lake.

i got street savoire faireCollapse )
 
 
 
amanda
i don't think i'm seeing through my own eyes anymore.
if this is my life, why am i thinking about you more than i'm thinking about myself?
sometimes i want to channel my thoughts to you. i want you to see what i'm seeing. i want you to be with me all the time. i'm not saying i love you. but i never really said i loved him, either. you can just tell. but i'm just not sure. i just know that these thoughts in my head, they're not right. i kept myself from saying this for so long, but it's wrong for me to think what i think. everything about me is just wrong. the only thing i did right was make you happy, even if it didn't last very long. maybe it all got lost in the distance.

are we ever gonna get it right?
are we ever gonna start making sense
and stop pretending that we care?
 
 
 
amanda
25 March 2008 @ 11:03 pm
the more they drilled my head with facts, the more i let it take over. as usual, i had that longing to talk to you when i was taken away for the weekend. i laid on my stomach with my hand as close to my chest as i could get it, eyes glazed over at the thought of you. and the longer i lay there, the harder the beating seemed to get. i thought maybe the half of a country between us would hear it eventually. i was convinced it wanted to reach you. because sometimes i just want to put my arms around you and let you feel it and say "can you hear it? i'm alive." but my eyes never closed. i kept seeing the reality in front of me, and i wanted it to fade away, take a break for a while. it's only going to pulse a billion times when i can never feel it.

instead of kissing my wrist, i press my hand to my chest before i fall asleep. i know it's all for you. the beating is just what i hear of the jumping that it's doing, trying to get to you where it belongs. where it always has.

<3