would you believe me if i said i didn't need you?

( 'cause i wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me )


from now on, you can find me at ambivlence

"i really didn't feel like being upset today but i went and did it anyway."
i'm not going to say it was worth it, but i just had an epiphany as i was left alone. (it doesn't matter if i can talk to someone else. i'm always alone without you...) if this has shown me anything, it's that i'm not ready to start over until i can stop being like this. i want to stop thinking in all the wrong ways and taking everything so seriously.

i want someone to know me
maybe tell me who i am

a year has gone by since we've known each other. so what? i've loved everything we've been through. i'm glad that we've survived. but if it's been a year and i haven't learned anything. nothing important enough to save us from ourselves. i just don't even know how i can go on from this without that.

i don't want you to worry about being selfish. and i'm not saying that for my own benefit. when you start worrying about everything, well, that's where we went wrong. baby, come back to me.

you probably won't even read this.
no one listens to a drama queen like me, right?
i don't blame you. i wouldn't, either.

I WON THE PATD MEET AND GREET!
omfg i'm spazzing so hard rn, my abs hurt so bad from laughing, spazzed breathing.
OMGGGGGGGG
btw, never check something like this in the morning. now i'm gonna be excited about it alllllllllll day and i have no one to tell atm.
xD

"what the fuck did she ever to deserve your love?"
You know what? I don't even know.
When the aftershock hit - when I was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she didn't feel the same way I did, I kept asking myself that and similar questions, and I couldn't come up with an answer. And now that it's all settled and I've realized most everything was in my head, I still can't think of one good reason other than -- she consumed most of my time. She was there, in a sense that I would talk and she would listen. I created a relationship using only my thoughts. I know that you and me are far from my ambivalence. There's too much substance for this not to be that something that I've been lacking in the faceless, nothingness that anyone else would think you and me should be. There's just so many words, good and bad. And so many thing you didn't even have to say. I feel like I know you. I feel like you've been so much more than what I deserve. Having said that, you're right. You're always right. I should be writing everything for you. I want you to be my world, more than anything. No one has ever done more for me.

i don't see a point, either.
just say "you're doing it wrong" like i always am to myself, okay?
cause i never thought i was right
i just don't see anything being fair anymore
i don't understand, either.
yeah, it's wrong of me to want to be the only thing you see.
but why does that give you a reason to say i'm the only one that did something wrong?
...because i made the bigger mistake.
i've gotta stop saying i so much.

i don't think i can see without you, though.
vision hazed due to eyes glazed due to the thought of you.
no turning back. it's
tick
tick
boom.

diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me
there's something bigger going on here
oh yeah, it's all in my head
playing games with my brain every time i press play

i haven't taken a picture of myself in forever. this is obv.

i had my hair back in that headband (which has an a on it, btw) today and my family kept saying it was adorable. it was annoying. i srsly love my contacts, though. they be wonderful. =]
that's one end of my glasses btw. and you know you love my ~movies.

( Who comments the most on this journal? )

so after softball, i looked for something to eat. that's been my main dilemma lately. i have cereal in the morning and then no one makes anything for the rest of the day and i didn't get anything for myself when i last went to the grocery store. so i had my last apple which tied me over. started getting a headache, got sick of crying, took a shower. then when my sister took the computer for forever i realized how hungry i was (coz this was like, 2:30pm i think) so i made mac and cheese from the box. it turned out really well, seeing as i had no one help me and i don't cook anything.. ever. took a nap from 3-6ish. didn't feel well at all. my head was still hurting (not like i got hit with a softball today or anything. no, that was yesterday.) threw up eventually. went to sleep again, woke up at 10:30 tossing and turning. threw up again. now here i am.

strange thing, though. i remember my mom coming upstairs because no one ever comes upstairs except me since it's just my room and the extra room up there. she had stirred me slightly, but i didn't move. so she assumed as i was sleeping and adjusted my blankets, which i only messed up later with my tossing and turning. i think she was happy with me. she stayed in my room for a few minutes, but i don't know why. i think she noticed how clean it is for once, even though i don't have anything put away where i want it, and that i didn't have the space heater turned on. she's always bitching about how it sucks up electricity, but i can't help it that there are two air vents in my room, right next to each other, and the one that works is the one that's under my tv stand.

even in the midst of typing this i threw up again. the acid burns. i hate this. if i don't feel better in the morning, i'm calling in sick from softball practice. i haven't missed one yet, and we might not even play our first game next week so it won't be a big deal.

meanwhile, my contacts came in. so we have to go to madison sometime soon so they can show me how to put them in again. last time i had contacts with 6th grade. i couldn't handle them then. i ripped most of them. but if my mom didn't make an appointment for friday already, i'm going on saturday when i don't have softball.

my head still hurts. idk if i'll puke again or not. i'm considering logging onto stickam to see how many people will want to watch me if i do.

end rant.

you know i'm no actress. even when you can't see the look on my face. but i listened to my own voice again, and i was being real when i said "i just don't understand how you don't get it." and especially "i just feel so stupid, like, what am i doing?"
but this was probably difficult to detect through all of the sobbing.

i wish that i could be what you are to me. just for you. that when you think of me, the setting is idyllic and pastoral and the sun always shines down across the water that's only there to keep you calm and maybe draw you in and stay a day or two.
The moon bred new Atlantic life tonight.the salt burned you right out of my eyes.and secrets we're not proud of were taken with the tide.

you're fading. it used to be so effortless to just push the buttons on my heart to make it twist and send surges through my chest, pulling me closer to wherever you might be. i still don't understand my sleep, but i don't reach out and shout in it anymore because i'm not constantly grabbing for that image my mind has created of your hand, warm and welcoming me to that comfort and endless nothings that i need but won't get. i still want to love you, just so you'll know that i'm never going to give up or grow away from you. i won't be satisfied until it's you keeping me warm and away from the world.

please keep me safe
give me time to love.
all i can do, all i can say,
i'll keep you safely in my arms and close your ears to not hear harm,
i'll sing to you.

i think i'm just not gonna post/be on the computer for a while.
having a really busy week since the quarter's ending and my teachers are keeping me busy and i have softball. it's fun, it just wears me out.
i think it'd be in everyone's best interest as well.
my phone still works, though.

thanks for being here, all of you. ily.

1 day to madison
3 days to my band concert
6 days to spring break
17 days to pretty. odd.
21 days to chicago
70-some days to HCT
90-some days to summer

she said she didn't like how we hardly talk anymore. i don't like it either. i said i want us to talk as much as we used to when we were under these conditions. nothing changed. my mind began to restart after his voice put me to sleep. rebekka, you should be thankful for that.

i took five minutes before i turned on the music to appreciate what i have and that she's still in my life. chelsea, i miss you.

i still dial the number but no one answers. i wonder what happened to her, and why she never let me know. i wonder if i could've loved her as much as she loved me. i wish i would've given her more. she said i was doing more than anyone ever had for her. i knew it wasn't enough, but i didn't expect her to disappear. lori, i want you back.

the state game is today at three... something. i'm going for free with pep band, so i might be on tv. yaaaay me. i just need money to get some food there. i can eat at school before we leave at 12:45 but idk if that'll be enough for the whole rest of the day. i might take my camera, might not. just for the bus ride. if we come back winning, the entire bus will be cheering the whole way home, i just know it. but then we'll have to play on saturday, which means i'll have to get my glasses on sunday.

meanwhile, i'm still gonna complain about school. i get so tired during the day, and i don't know why, because i'm actually starting to get decent amounts of sleep at night. but lately i've been going to sleep around 7pm or later and getting up at 6 or so. like now. i think it's my headaches from playing the dumb piccolo. i reallyreally wish i had that long REPEATING solo in one piece instead of playing the dumb piccolo that gives me a headache almost every day. i'm first chair, the only reason i have it is because no one else would play picc so i had to. the second chair is okay, but she just plays too loud when she has bad tone or doesn't play loud enough at some points and doesn't really know how to FADE out, she just kinda stops playing.

i'm really hungry but we don't have any cereal. i still have to take a shower, put together this poster, find a current event, and be at school in less than an hour and a half. i hate that we have all classes today. i'm so glad i don't have to go to 8th hour, though. that teacher might be adding to my headaches. she practically yells when she talks to us and i have that class right after band.

rantrantrant. i didn't mean to vent about this, but that's all that's on my mind right now. not really remembering yesterday before i went to sleep. everyone have a happy friday, please.

lead in night at the laundromat
and i'm staring at you pulling clothes from a dryer
and i'm wondering how i got here
'cause it seems somehow i keep getting stuck in the mire
i needed this more than i knew
and i let you down and i said i'm sorry
But the light that falls on my castle walls
and my basketballs pelt me with bricks in my dreams

that's how i want to sound when i say something. i don't wanna make perfect sense but i want to sound like i know what i'm talking about and sound interesting. i've been listening to that verse a lot lately. not sure the reason. it sounds like one of my favorite verses so far that i know of. even though it probably just sounds like the basic 3eb lyrical rhythm to you. maybe i've had it on repeat so that the next time we talk, that will be the thing that escapes my head and transmits to the other end for you to hear. i wish i had more to say.

( and i'd teach a course on how i got to be a star-crossed pimp )

oh and finally, i'm doing an informative essay and media project on panic at the disco. it would help me out, if you have any extra time, comment here with any good magazine articles they've been in, and be sure to tell me what magazine their from and possibly the date they were published. i can't be bothered with most of this at school. but one thing i really think would be useful would be the PATD TIMELINE. if any of you have the link to that, i'd appreciate it.

urgh. i hate fucking school. i have this homework, right? it's not even that much, or that hard as a matter of fact. but since i don't really have a place to do it, and i don't WANT to do it, i just don't! i can't force myself to. i'm afraid i'm gonna be working on it forever and get tired and just not understand it. this happens like every night, and then i end up doing a half-assed job on it in other classes or before school. never never nevernevernever not taking a study hall in a semester EVER again. =[
i think first semester was just too EASY for me! like, bio i understood in class so i didn't have to put much effort in. algebra 2 was all review first semester. for english i had speech, which i usually did the night before and printed in my study hall. and everything else was just some easy class that i didn't have to do any work for. now i have english, american heritage, algebra which is getting harder, and SUDDENLY my german teacher just DROPS THE BOMB and says we have to write more. well MAYBE IF YOU WOULD TEACH US /HOW/ WE COULD ACTUALLY DO IT! and if i were in some classes with my friends it MIGHT help. you know, just a little.

i want pretty odd nowwwwww. ryan's voice is flippin' amazing. i hope it's recorded. and i'm still hoping for meet and greets so i can give them all a group hug and tell them how happy they've made me after making their album.

in other news, i need a current event for american heritage extra credit. srsly, anything. i don't do internet searches, either. they confuse me.

i'm kinda glad it's my dad's weekend so i can take a break from all this, i just miss chels. -grabby hands- ARE YOU GOING TO CHICAGO OR WHAT? and it's totally fine if you can't. like, i'd rather spend more than an hour (probably less) with you if/when -knock on wood- i meet you. (lawlz, i typed weed instead of wood)

GETTIN' TIRED.
have a nice weekend.